EMBRACING AUTHENTIC LIVING:MOVING BEYOND PAST HURTS AND FOSTERING SELF-GROWTH
I try to keep my eyes on the horizon. I firmly believe that we need to keep our eyes on the future and have a vision for what we would like our tomorrows to be like. I firmly believe that without a vision we have no idea where we are heading and we just continue to do the same thing over and over and over again. That is how my life was prior to my weight loss surgery. It was a perpetual diet/binge/cringe/shame/diet spiral and that is what I saw when I looked in the mirror.
If you have never been bigger, you may not understand this, but I am pretty sure most people can remember how we got the scars that we walk around with. You know that little mark you have on your knee from when you stacked it on your bike when you were a kid? or that almighty spot that decided to leave you with hyperpigmentation after it was long gone (I have a few of these) Well those things are a reminder aren’t they? You look at those things and remember how it got there. You might remember the clothes you were wearing, exactly where you were standing, who you were with and the music that was playing in the background? What if I told you that I can remember conversations that triggered binging that caused new stretch marks on my body, what if I told you that my hurt was woven into my skin. My extra kilos came about due to the dysfunctional coping strategy that I used to manage some shockingly dreadful things that took place in my life.
Now what does that have to do with keeping my eyes on the horizon? Well, I am really glad that you asked, at least I hope you asked because I want to explain this as best as I can. My life has been so changed from bariatric surgery. Each kilo I shed, and then eventually the skin that has been removed, took away some of the physical reminders of my past but for the last few years I have been playing catch up emotionally.
Sometimes I look at the horizon and it seems so very far away but then I remember that I am not in a race with anyone else! What I am doing is challenging myself to be brave and to keep moving forward. To do the things that I spent years doing, only in my mind, because I wasn’t brave enough, or physically able to do them when I was in a bigger body. I was angry and frustrated and at times I lashed out at those I love the most and I did harm in some of my own relationships because, hurt people unfortunately hurt others. That was one of the driving factors in my “crisis of faith” as I have termed it, but it was actually a breakdown. I realised that I did not know how to live my life without my excuses, without my extra weight and my broken coping strategies. I needed help to find my way through that. I have said in the past, that I laid everything down, and that is exactly what I did. I put down everything that I knew I only ever did because I wanted recognition or because I wanted to be noticed. I have only picked up things again as I knew that I was whole enough, within myself, to not allow my self esteem to come from those external things. I wanted to know that I saw value in myself just because! Not because of that deep desire to fill the broken places in my heart.
Part of keeping my eyes on the horizon is knowing my worth and knowing my value and not continuing to put myself in situations with people that do not see that too. I keep short accounts with others, surround myself with people that are honest, truthful and kind. I hate being in situations where I am unable to grow because that is the position that I was in for years and years. I guess the whole point of this is that we only get one life, and whatever it is that is causing you to hold back from living it, please be brave enough to take those steps that you can take to be your true authentic self. You are not just the sum of your past! You are the container of hope for your future and you get to direct that and carry it with you wherever you go. You can carry your hurts in your skin but you can also carry passion of life, hope and purpose too. Those are kinder passengers I have found. I still have times when my profound joy at being in my body as it is now will cause me to want to laugh and cry at the same time! It happened just two nights ago when I had been dancing for a few hours and across the room, one of my sons smiled at me. I am so grateful he gets to see his mum dancing.
What is holding us back? It might be laying everything down and only picking back up the things that serve you. It might be changing your mind about situations or people. It might be pushing yourself to break out of a comfortable but limiting place that you have been in or it might be that quiet desire that you have in your heart that you keep trying to ignore. Whatever it is friend, I hope that you find a way to put the other things aside that are holding you back and walk towards your tomorrows with an understanding that our past can hold us back if we let it or it can be the very thing that propels us into new adventures. For my part, I wish you great discoveries and wonderful adventures as you journey towards the horizon.
Love Tash
